23 June 2006

The Joys of The Pregnant

Things I’ll miss

  • Playing guess the body part while watching my belly distort itself into configurations that even in my wildest nightmares I could not have thought up.
  • Hiccups. (Hers not mine.)
  • Taking my time crossing the street at the Medical Center where everybody is in a hurry. Everybody but the Pregnant Lady. Nobody dares rush her.
  • The don’t-mess-with-the-Pregnant-Lady-if-you-value-your-life aura I seem to exude. People just do what I tell them. They don’t fuss. They don’t argue. They just do it.
  • The Husband’s occasional participation in kitchen cleaning duties. Without being asked. (Minor miracle, that.)
  • The extra scoop of Spicy Tofu that the ladies in the hospital cafeteria give me after eyeing the belly.
  • The fact that the cafeteria's older cashier gentleman who wears a hairnet and always has a hand-written quotation taped to his register never charges me extra for the extra scoop of Spicy Tofu.

Things I won’t miss

  • Waddling and the constant pain that goes with it. Giving birth should be a cinch after this – it only lasts a matter of hours. Not months. And months. And friggin’ months. Without end.
  • Taking 15 minutes and the assistance of a small crane to turn over in bed at night. (You think I’m kidding. Aren’t you cute.)
  • Every other person I run into – including, and perhaps most especially, perfect strangers – telling me I’m about to pop. In those exact words. I wouldn’t mind this so much if I actually WAS about to pop, but I’m not. I’m 6 to 8 weeks out from poppin’, people. SHUT. UP.
  • Standing sideways at the sink. So I can reach it.

Things I’m looking forward to

  • That first smile. And don't tell ME it's gas. I know gas. That ain't it.
  • Handing the baby to someone else to carry for a while, so I can walk around BY MYSELF.
  • Not having to pee every 10 minutes. (You think I’m kidding. Aren’t you cute.)
  • Not eating. I’m tired of eating. I’m tired of being hungry all the friggin’ time. I’m tired of…. oh, crap, that doesn’t go away until you’re done with the breastfeeding thing. So much for that one.
  • My brain. I miss my brain. (I think it's hanging out with the placenta at the moment.) It'll be nice getting to know it again... oh, wait. I don't get THAT back until after the breastfeeding thing either. Crap.
  • Permanent forms of birth control. (Plural entirely intentional.)


Queen K said...

You're almost there. Really. Ugh. Hang in there. Think how cute and chubbed this kiddo will be because you were SUCH a faboo mama and were willing to carry her about for all this time. You rock!!

And yeah, those popping comments are SO obnoxious. I think that counts as a justifiable homicide. I'm pretty sure. You might not want to risk it.

Zee said...

you are funny, but oh so true!