You might be a redneck if...

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...you ate roadkill for dinner. And I just did.

Go ahead, make gross retching sounds.

OK, gat that outta yer system? Good job. Now you wanna hear the story? 'Course you do.

First, wipe your brain clean of the images of possums and raccoons and whatever-the-fuck-that-was's that you automatically assumed I ate (you know you did, admit it). T'weren't no possums nor raccoons on my table. Nosirree, sir - we're talkin' turkey.

No, really, it was turkey. Turkey as in wild turkey. Turkey as in big, frikkin' bird native to North American woodlands. Turkey as in what The Husband was out hunting last weekend and didn't get.

No, no, instead, he found one flapping helplessly and in obvious distress on the side of some road (he claims he didn't actually hit it himself). Broken leg, broken wing - obvious coyote fodder. Unable to watch it suffer he and his buddies - and I quote - "put it out of its misery". Then they "dressed" it and brought the meat home.

And we ate it.

And damn, if it weren't tasty.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Um, dude? Yer eatin' roadkill and yer kid is in the back yard singin' patriotic songs? Methinks a Mason-Dixon intervention is needed...

On the other hand, there's a dead pea hen in my front yard right now - any good recipes? And since it's not technically on the road I'm safe from hypocrisy and ridicule, right? Seriously, do you think it's safe to eat?
16:34
Bethanie said…
I just lost 10 minutes worth of comment-typing and I don't know how. I'm going to go scream now.
21:12
Bethanie said…
OK. I feel better. I'll attempt to reconstruct:

The time for intervention is long past, I'm afraid: the kid recently lectured me on how 'god loves us, no matter what'. I almost shot myself right then and there. Well, not really. But I did about bite my tongue off trying to remain neutral (she is entitled to her opinion (no matter how wrong it is) and since it was me who sent her to the bible-thumping pre-school, I feel I shouldn't do too much undermining while she's still there and subsequently get her in trouble when she feeds her teacher my line of agnostic crap).

Anyways. The pea hen.

First question: What's a pea hen? (I'm picturing something greenish...)

Second question: How big is it? Will there be enough meat after you dress it? (which brings me to this general comment on hunting lingo: why do they call pulling off feathers and gutting something "dressing"? seems a whole lot more like UN-dressing to me)

If there's enough meat to bother with, chop into nugget-sized pieces, dip pieces into a scrambled egg, then into cracker crumbs an' fry 'em. Worked for the turkey.

So, yes, eat it. Unless your answer to my third question is 'I'm not sure' or 'maybe'.

Third question: Do you think it might have died of bird flu?

In that case, call animal control... or the CDC... somebody...
21:21
Anonymous said…
Pea hen = female peacock. Tannish, greyish, no pretty tail feathers, but the same vivid blue around the neck. A good size - I'd say there'd be plenty of meat (after "dressing" - maybe 5-6 pounds), but since I don't know what she died of, I'm probably going to pass - could be bird flu, could be rat poison, could be old age or a car... Not worth the risk, no matter how grand an adventure (not to mention the educational opportunities! and the blogging fodder!) disecting the beast would be. Anyway, if the coyotes haven't gotten her by morning I'll call animal control.
21:59
Bethanie said…
Oh, duh, you've mentioned peacocks before. I should have remembered that...

Anyway, good choice, I think, about not ingesting food whose origins are not completely understood.

Sadly, that's becoming more and more true of our entire food supply...
06:58
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