12 March 2006

The Porcelain Goddess

It's finally happening.The Porcelain Goddess has answered our pleas and Ms. Three-Years-Old is finally, finally parking her ass on the toilet and doing her business there.

OK. I'm getting ahead of myself… well, ahead of her. She hasn’t made it all the way to the actual toilet yet. She’s still working on the plastic potty chair in her room. But all the same, I’m all kinds of happy about it. Because to this point it’s been nothing but World War frickin’ Three.

Now the husband and I, we’re both over 30, so you would think we could outsmart a three year old.You would think.

Naturally, it doesn’t work that way at all.

We’ve tried everything. Everything. Threats, of course, get you nowhere, really fast. Bribery was no more successful.

I even bought a huge glass canister and filled it with snack-sized packages of M&M’s. All she had to do to have one was pee on the potty. No luck.

The husband told her he’d take her to Toys R Us and buy her anything she wanted. No luck.

My mother played the “foolproof” game that she had used to potty-train my little sister in a single day. Ms. Three-Years-Old had it figured out in a matter of minutes, knew just what Grammy was trying to do and refused to play. No luck.

We bought Dora the Explorer underwear. No luck.

We told her we weren’t going to buy any more diapers. No. Luck.

Unfortunately for her hapless parents, the where, the when and the how of her bladder and bowels are among the very few things that Ms. Three-Years-Old has absolute control over. And that the people who control her (i.e., us hapless parents) can do Not One Thing about it.

She somehow figured this out at 2-1/2, don’t ask me how. That’s when she started refusing to have bowel movements. She once did this for nine days. Nine days without taking a crap. NINE. DAYS. Can you even imagine?? I mean, I didn't really think "anal retentive" had a literal meaning. It does. It shouldn’t even be physically possible. But somehow, Ms. Three-Years-Old managed it. And spent the next nine months on a daily laxative to keep her from ever doing it again. Yeah, that was fun.

When we finally got that all straightened out, she started holding her pee. She can manage to not pee for 24 hours. Twenty-four hours. Again – should not be physically possible. But somehow, she would do it.

So, of course, I have no stinking idea what has suddenly changed her mind and made the plastic potty the place to be.

Maybe it’s the approach of the new baby and the allure of being the Big Sister. Maybe she believed us when we told her the new baby was going to need the diapers so she would have to give them up. Maybe it’s the fact that we took the gate off her crib and put up a rail so she can get in and out herself. Maybe it was the potty training book my mother-in-law bought for her cousin.

Like I said, I have no stinking idea and I don’t really care. I’m just glad the Porcelain Goddess has finally, finally answered our prayers and pleas for mercy.

With any luck Ms. Three-Years-Old will get this all down pat by the time the new baby arrives. We might even get 3 or 4 diaper-free weeks! Before it all starts all over again...


Queen K said...

Well, here I am, trying to post a comment...let's see if it works.

I've already congratulated you on the advancement of the potty training - but YAY again, just for good measure!! That girl is just too much...

Bethanie said...

Yippee! It worked!! Don't know what was going on before... did you get the one I left you??

We are working on #2 today... bribery may prove effective yet... we'll see...