06 October 2006

Dumbass Mama

Yep. I get the Dumbass of the Day award today:

It's 8AM. I'm starving. I decide I want eggs.

It's a nice day. The doors and windows are open.

Ms. Baby is sitting in her Bouncy Seat growing progressively irate.

I butter the pan. I run over to the Bouncy Seat to rearrange the blanket, snuggle bunny and Sucky Thing.

I run back to the kitchen and crack my eggs. I run back to the Bouncy Seat to rearrange the blanket, snuggle bunny and Sucky Thing.

I run back to the kitchen to find my eggs rapidly overcooking. I flip them. I run back to the Bouncy Seat to rearrange the blanket, snuggle bunny and Sucky Thing.

Back to the kitchen. Yeah, eggs are gonna be over hard today. I put the english muffins in the toaster and run back to the Bouncy Seat to rearrange the blanket, snuggle bunny and Sucky Thing.

Too late. Ms. Baby has gone from irate to ballistically pissed without passing Go and without collecting so much as a nickel. I pick her up and throw her onto my shoulder.

I run back to the kitchen to find my english muffin burnt and my eggs rubbery. Grumbling, I put them on a plate, toss the plate on the table and proceed to hack at my breakfast with a fork, shoveling bites into my mouth as fast as I possibly can.

All the while I am bouncing Ms. Baby on my knee. She is not impressed. In fact, ballistically pissed is starting to look mighty calm compared to where she's headed.

I try the swing. No. I try different positions. Not even, Mama.

Resigned, I sit back down at the table and shovel faster as Ms. Baby works on one masterpiece of a Royal Hissy Fit.

I give up on eating. I start walking up and down the hallway trying to find a happy position in which to hold the hissy-ing Ms. Baby. This includes up on the shoulder again. Her little arms are waving wildly, probably trying to flag down better help around here.

One hand slaps into my face. It's freezing cold.

I look at the open doors and windows. I look at my flannel PJs and fleece bathrobe. I look at Ms. Baby in her single-layer cotton outfit. Cute. Not insulated.

I grab a big fleece blanket and wrap the now howling Ms. Baby up really tight, pop the Sucky Thing in her mouth and bounce her a few times.

In less than a minute, she's given up on all hissy fits, ballistic pissy-ness and generally fussy behavior and has fallen fast asleep. I put her back in the Bouncy Seat and finish hacking at my breakfast in peace.

Dumb. Ass. Mama.

2 comments:

Queen K said...

Awwww - you poor Mama!!! She might not have had to freeze if she let you sleep more. Really - everyone is a tiny bit to blame here. Don't beat yourself up too much.

I have to admit I giggled a lot reading this - good writing even in the midst of rubbery eggs and pissy babies.

Bethanie said...

More sleep! Yes! I knew I wasn't really that stupid... And I suppose it is a bit amusing in hindsight...